Hello from the other side

It's been some time. I am definitely not good at this blogger stuff. A freaking year! Srsly?!!! Anyway, I transitioned from being a chemotherapy/oncology nurse into hospice nursing. It's been an experience.... Here I thought I had problems. I mean we all have problems, but are they really problems if we are full of well-being? We are all allowed to pity ourselves for 5 minutes and then we must move forward. We must. The world has bigger problems. People have bigger problems. I am healthy. My medical issues are somewhat mostly managed. I am breathing, moving, dancing, smiling, laughing, and I'm still alive today, even on the days that are hard and emotional. Hospice has made me so much more aware of that. More appreciative. Yes, I still live with anxiety and too many emotions. I'm still working on myself. To become potentially the best version of myself for me and for the people around me. Hospice has heightened my emotions in so many ways. Some days I feel invincible, resourceful, and fulfilled. Other days I feel beat and devastated. I feel for the fragility of human existence and the experience of human suffering is overwhelming. It's an everyday challenge; like my anxiety or ptsd or whatever. Another sunrise and another reason to get up and share your love. -B P.S I have a random youtube account. Yes I know, I am weird.

Surviving

It's been months! Years! As I re-read my last few posts, I could not help but feel sad at how sad I felt then. The truth is, I am better, but still battling with sadness that comes and goes; with anxiety that seems to follow me around like a mosquito chasing for blood. I guess I am broken, but aren't we all? These past holidays were difficult; there is a lot of buried pain in my family dynamics that re-arose these past holidays. I have made goals to make more boundaries to shield me from the pain that my some of my family causes me. I say some because not all my family is that way; my brother is one of them that has been so supportive in my journey to make more boundaries; we have gotten very close lately and I know my mother would be proud of us if she were here to say that. I am responsible for my feelings and for protecting myself; even if it means spending less time with my family. I am working on not letting these "boundary goals" leaving me lonely and isolated. I am working on it; its true, there are days that are harder than orders. Days that I wake up crying and days that I can't sleep because I am anxiously over analyzing unnecessarily. It is what it is. This is who I am. I have continued to exercise, which is by far the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at bay. I worked out 183 days out of the year 2015 and I am hungry for more! I refuse to take any sort of medication that will alter my conscious. I don't want it and I am fighting it will all I got. Things in the household have been much better. My husband and I just had our 7th wedding anniversary. Boy, has it been an adventure. Marriage is difficult. Extremely; but so worth it if two people are willing to make it work. My health has been good. My last 2 check ups went okay and I just had my 3rd check up today. I'll need 2 more negative check ups (including todays) so I can go back to going so frequently to the doctor. I am worried about the results, but when I am not worried? Completely normal I suppose; but worrying won't change the results so I must let it go! Anywho...I happened to stop by the blog because I clicked on a link of some other blogger (food blogger of course!) and I was curious at when my last post was. Well, here I am! Still alive, and still surviving. Happy 2016!

Xmas Lush

Xmas was simple. Sweet and wonderful. My husband and I made a promise to not over drink through the holidays and we kept it! Very wonderful to keep a promise and not be a lush! U see, the thing is..my father was an alcoholic for most of his life. He chose alcohol over me for most of my life and it would be senseless if I did the same...Alcohol is a big depressant. You are fine and dandy one moment and the next day you are feeling at your lowest. For me, it is magnfied ten times. I do not need anything else making me feel like shit...I can do that all on my own...HA. And for me, the act of drinking that much and then realizing the next day, gives me more anxiety, because it makes me feel inadequate to cope with the dailty stresses. We are really trying to avoid binge drinking for the most part. We are both trying to be more health conscious of it all...Amongst hispanics, alcoholism is ranked one of the highest health problems amongst this cutlure...I can see how the lifestyle, the culture does not help. Big part of our holidays celebration include alcohol..Not always, but often. I refuse to make it a habit. Moreover, as a nurse, honestly liver cihrrosis is one of the most horrible deaths there is. Liver failure from cihrrosis is painful and gruesome. The death is prolonged and sad. I've taken care of ppl with liver failture related to cihrrosis and let me tell you it is NOT pretty. Plus, it gets old. Getting completely smashed gets old. Yes, a few drinks here and there is more fun than getting completely smashed and not remembering one bit. In fact, we stayed long enough to open presents and then we headed home and went to bed. I woke up feeling, nice and sober, without the need to reach for an ibuprofen. It felt great! My brother made it to xmas, and it was excited because he was projected to work. He was able to leave early and make it in time. It was nice having him there...the only person that was missing was my mother. I was wishing I could see her open presents with us...Christmas is always empty without her; I desperately try my best to give love so I don't feel the emptiness from her passing...She was the most wonderful role model when it came to love and giving; a truly selfless love! Hoping this day outstreches as long as possible before I have to return to work tommorow! The calm before the Hell! P.S. Not like I know hell anyway...

spirit of productivity.

My niece had her winter ballet recital tonight. She is truly a wonderful child. Simple, loving, sweet, funny and very bright. But who doesn't say that about their nieces or children? Regardless, the energy she transmitts is part of my mother's legacy; which warms and holds my soul during the lonely periods of my life. I am so happy my mother was able to experience the love of this child before her passing. My mind grasps that memory and doesn't let it go....These last two days have been wonderful. Enjoying the company of my so missed sister in law from pittsburgh, my days off, my wonderful husband, and my family. Fearful of the upcoming stress of the holidays and the anxiety it may bring....One day at a time, I hope... Want to stay productive from here until school starts up again in the spring. I will get things done, cook some food, write my mexican memoirs, and clean mi casa! Yup.

much needed break...

The finale of the semester has finally arrived! I am perfectly ready to savor the new acquired freedom, for at least one month. I am super stoked; hoping for 2 A's, but my grades won't come in until in a few days...Until then we will wait! My sweet sister-in-law has been here since wednesday; she arrived from pittsburgh...I've missed her very much and I ham hoping I will see her more often. Maybe we should visit; make it a trip?! Because of her, I am grateful to have met my wonderful husband! The weekend has been intense; with so much reminiscing and so much emotion... That is what life is about, I suppose. Remembering the moments that made you shine from within. I'm hoping to encircle fitness again; I'm yearning to feel good from within and feel the positivity begin to radiate within me. With the added stress from work, school, and life, I have been beggining to feel dark...and gloomy; like dusk. I've began to try to understand the dusk and learn from my vulnerable moments. Because in vulnerable moments, you learn most about yourself. Regardless of the process of learning and burning...I need to find strength withn my passions in life. Find the good in the bad and begin to take control of my life; being anxious gets me nowhere. Easier said than done right? Grateful to have my blog back!

the quiet before the storm...

I feel the quiet before the storm...A bit scary and at times exciting! I feel the promiximity of the climax and the conclusion to this story (my fall semester is almost over!) oh so close, oh so far. 2 weeks away... eeekkk! I am completely exhausted and never with enough zzzz's on board..imagine that! I've been a little emotional lately...it could be merely the holidays, the fatigue, and just overall my fragile state. I haven't exercised, which is one of my tools that helps me cope with anxiety and stress... I miss it, but I am hoping that once this semester is over, I will get back at it. nevertheless... i've been hooked on the next iron chef, and I've given up my faithfulness to zombies...I'd rather much watch chef zacharian talk about food...ohhh...my LOL

This is a picture I took in Vegas. Good times...

Busy as a Bee

This is absolutely the best chapstick i've ever used! I could bathe in this stuff! Honestly, it is worth the extra pennies. I will never use any other chapstick again!! The good thing about burt's bees products is that they are 100 percent natural and they do not test on animals! <3 Excited, because I have an extra long weekend coming up! I am working only 8 to 1pm on Friday and I am off saturday, sunday, and Monday. Looking fowarding to bumming around and enjoying the last bits of freedom I have prior to starting another semester of school! School starts up again on August 27! Excited, but nervous. Excited that my mind will be busy, but nervous about feeling extremely fatigued again. Between work and school, it gives me little time to just relax and even less time to exercise. That indeed has me walking on eggshells. So far, exercising is on positive continuum! The more I do it, the better I feel and the better my mood is! Haven't had a fallout in a couple of weeks. Feels good to feel positive again. It takes effort for me to be less anxious and worried about a million things. I guess that comes along with being a nurse. My mind sometimes tends to race with the most absurd things! Exercising definetly helps soothe my frazzled nerves!!! If you are looking for a way out from a rut, run and sweat your heart out!!!

Anxiety can attack like vengance; Cold and slow...

Ughhh! Frustration, sadness, and anxiety has set it. The deadly combo is back with a vengance! It may have to do alot with the fact that my mom's death anniversary is coming up in a couple of days; to be exact it is on saturday. I am stressed, i am easily aggravated and I want to punch the wall. I wish I could hide under a rock and not come out for a couple of days. I am teary and irritable. I need to take a breather! I need an escape. Maybe a pina colada? No really. I think I am having a breakdown, a melt down. I don't even know what to think! I miss her dearly...I miss her words, her hugs, and most importantly her love.... May I find the strength to carry on and finish this day without taking out my husband.. eeeeek!!!!! P.S. I had a sweet day on tuesday with my brother, his gfriend, and my niece. I do enjoy those little moments with my my brother and my niece because I do not see them often. Life gets busy; but it is important that I make time for them because time/memories never comes back.....We saw BRAVE and had dinner....

I fed the ducks, I found an answer...

Had a late dinner with my husband at the park; a picnic as you may call it. We packed 2 beers, a water bottle, and some soda. The one beer we had a piece proved to be quite refreshing, in the midst of this Texas heat. I was a nice moment Rob and I shared. The heat was intense, but it was still sweet. We picked up a box of pizza and we sat on a bench. We fed the left over pizza crust to the ducks. Looked at the lake and the tranquility it provided to us in that moment. Felt anxious during most of the day, with budgets on my mind and other silly things tahat have been bothering me. For the most part of my life I have suffered from chronic anxiety related to post traumatic stress. It is imperative that I find things on a daily basis to cling on to and provide me an outlet to let go of the umimportant things....the worries, the pain, the anger, etc... It is important that we stop in the midst of busy lives and smell the flowers. Look at the beauty around us; take what we can from what nature has to offer us...embrace the little moments, smell the flowers, feel the sunshine penetration our skin, love who we are and the beauty that is surrounding us.... Cheers to life!

Morning Insomnia leads to productiveness

It's been a long morning. Granted, I have been awake since about 4am this morning...No reason in particular I suppose. Felt like having some pancakes and my poor spouse was arosen from his deep sleep to take me to Dennys for some pancakes and what did I end up having you may ask...an omelette! oh, what a fickle woman I am. Luckily, my husbad is a patient man. I worked on budgets after returning from Dennys for about 3 hours this morning. Gave me anxiety after these three hours and decided to stop torturing myself and begin on them tommorow again. With teamwork, my husband and I cleaned this kitchen and did laundry for it had become a monster! Atrocious may I add! How can 2 people make so much mess? It's been raining for the last couple of days and I couldn't be happier. Love rainy and dark weather, but not for extended periods of time of course; I call it seasonal depression..I definetly require windows and open blinds to function! Plus, who doesn't need some vitamin D? Time for some lunch, I am hungry!!!