Hello from the other side

It's been some time. I am definitely not good at this blogger stuff. A freaking year! Srsly?!!! Anyway, I transitioned from being a chemotherapy/oncology nurse into hospice nursing. It's been an experience.... Here I thought I had problems. I mean we all have problems, but are they really problems if we are full of well-being? We are all allowed to pity ourselves for 5 minutes and then we must move forward. We must. The world has bigger problems. People have bigger problems. I am healthy. My medical issues are somewhat mostly managed. I am breathing, moving, dancing, smiling, laughing, and I'm still alive today, even on the days that are hard and emotional. Hospice has made me so much more aware of that. More appreciative. Yes, I still live with anxiety and too many emotions. I'm still working on myself. To become potentially the best version of myself for me and for the people around me. Hospice has heightened my emotions in so many ways. Some days I feel invincible, resourceful, and fulfilled. Other days I feel beat and devastated. I feel for the fragility of human existence and the experience of human suffering is overwhelming. It's an everyday challenge; like my anxiety or ptsd or whatever. Another sunrise and another reason to get up and share your love. -B P.S I have a random youtube account. Yes I know, I am weird.

Busy as a Bee

This is absolutely the best chapstick i've ever used! I could bathe in this stuff! Honestly, it is worth the extra pennies. I will never use any other chapstick again!! The good thing about burt's bees products is that they are 100 percent natural and they do not test on animals! <3 Excited, because I have an extra long weekend coming up! I am working only 8 to 1pm on Friday and I am off saturday, sunday, and Monday. Looking fowarding to bumming around and enjoying the last bits of freedom I have prior to starting another semester of school! School starts up again on August 27! Excited, but nervous. Excited that my mind will be busy, but nervous about feeling extremely fatigued again. Between work and school, it gives me little time to just relax and even less time to exercise. That indeed has me walking on eggshells. So far, exercising is on positive continuum! The more I do it, the better I feel and the better my mood is! Haven't had a fallout in a couple of weeks. Feels good to feel positive again. It takes effort for me to be less anxious and worried about a million things. I guess that comes along with being a nurse. My mind sometimes tends to race with the most absurd things! Exercising definetly helps soothe my frazzled nerves!!! If you are looking for a way out from a rut, run and sweat your heart out!!!

Manic Monday

As much as mondays are a blur and sometimes painful I am aware that they must occur in order to get to Friday! Today was not so bad... Noticeable points throughout my day were the following: -Mornings are completely busy for me and I definetly need my coffee to function. -Why can't I wake up before 7? (have to be at work by 8am!) -Why does my hair suck? -Do I have to do my makeup everyday? i like naked mondays! lol naked face wise! -I need new scrubs. -Im hungry again! damn. -I'm poking someone, I have a right to refuse to answer the phone. Come find me! -My hands are dry i need to dip myself in oil! -What time is it, i havent peed for the last 3 hours!!! Despite my constant race of thoughts, i laughed through the day. I proved my work ethic and my competency. I got through my day and I reminded myself that in the end of the day, I was healthy and lucky to be alive. No need to complain or feel sorry for myself because I had to be working or because I had a load of patients to see in a limited amount of hours. You see, working in Oncology is not always a happy filled day for nursing; there are days that you see loss and a grieving family. But amongst all this sadness, you also see gratefulness, bravery, and simpleness. Because in the end, you are what you have lived and experienced. You have lived.

I fed the ducks, I found an answer...

Had a late dinner with my husband at the park; a picnic as you may call it. We packed 2 beers, a water bottle, and some soda. The one beer we had a piece proved to be quite refreshing, in the midst of this Texas heat. I was a nice moment Rob and I shared. The heat was intense, but it was still sweet. We picked up a box of pizza and we sat on a bench. We fed the left over pizza crust to the ducks. Looked at the lake and the tranquility it provided to us in that moment. Felt anxious during most of the day, with budgets on my mind and other silly things tahat have been bothering me. For the most part of my life I have suffered from chronic anxiety related to post traumatic stress. It is imperative that I find things on a daily basis to cling on to and provide me an outlet to let go of the umimportant things....the worries, the pain, the anger, etc... It is important that we stop in the midst of busy lives and smell the flowers. Look at the beauty around us; take what we can from what nature has to offer us...embrace the little moments, smell the flowers, feel the sunshine penetration our skin, love who we are and the beauty that is surrounding us.... Cheers to life!