Monday, January 04, 2016

Surviving

It's been months! Years! As I re-read my last few posts, I could not help but feel sad at how sad I felt then. The truth is, I am better, but still battling with sadness that comes and goes; with anxiety that seems to follow me around like a mosquito chasing for blood. I guess I am broken, but aren't we all? These past holidays were difficult; there is a lot of buried pain in my family dynamics that re-arose these past holidays. I have made goals to make more boundaries to shield me from the pain that my some of my family causes me. I say some because not all my family is that way; my brother is one of them that has been so supportive in my journey to make more boundaries; we have gotten very close lately and I know my mother would be proud of us if she were here to say that. I am responsible for my feelings and for protecting myself; even if it means spending less time with my family. I am working on not letting these "boundary goals" leaving me lonely and isolated. I am working on it; its true, there are days that are harder than orders. Days that I wake up crying and days that I can't sleep because I am anxiously over analyzing unnecessarily. It is what it is. This is who I am. I have continued to exercise, which is by far the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at bay. I worked out 183 days out of the year 2015 and I am hungry for more! I refuse to take any sort of medication that will alter my conscious. I don't want it and I am fighting it will all I got. Things in the household have been much better. My husband and I just had our 7th wedding anniversary. Boy, has it been an adventure. Marriage is difficult. Extremely; but so worth it if two people are willing to make it work. My health has been good. My last 2 check ups went okay and I just had my 3rd check up today. I'll need 2 more negative check ups (including todays) so I can go back to going so frequently to the doctor. I am worried about the results, but when I am not worried? Completely normal I suppose; but worrying won't change the results so I must let it go! Anywho...I happened to stop by the blog because I clicked on a link of some other blogger (food blogger of course!) and I was curious at when my last post was. Well, here I am! Still alive, and still surviving. Happy 2016!

Saturday, February 08, 2014

Hello Sunny!

I don't mind if I do. I've been out of the spotlight for a few months; 8 months to be exact. Who cares, no one reads this. This is mainly for my OWN personal mental sake. My mental distress has somewhat ceased. After the medical procedure, which I had in June...things begin to flourish somewhat. I did obtain my oh so longed bachelors in nursing degree, which I had placed on hold, since I graduated nursing school in 07. Now it was here. It arrived in a bitter time of my life, but I have to give myself credit for achieving it even when the world around me was crumbling to pieces. I began to piece back together my life more or less. Things softened up at home and I began to swim in the light again. The crying spells became less and less. The anxiety ceased and I began to feel less numb and more alive. My husband and I visited Colorado in December 2013 and spent a few days there, including new years with some friends. It was beautiful, but oh so cold. Visited The Rocky Mountains, saw some elk on the side of the road, and had some rocky mountain oysters! Clap, if you know what those are! I vowed to never complain about Texas cold fronts ever again! Gorgeous! I've also began to strengthen my commitment to my fitness once again. I have been exercising more frequently and I even registered for the gym! Been trying to change it up so I don't get bored and drop it like I usually do. I've noticed a big difference! I've lost some weight and I have gained some of my confidence back. I hope this journey continues to flourish! We gotta keep on swimming and I am...!

Saturday, June 08, 2013

life letters...

Feeling crampy...what is expected after the medical procedure to get rid of my overly differentiated cells, which could become scary cells in 10 years. That was the most important thing in my decision making. Do this now, go through the difficulties of getting through this procedure or suffer worst consequences in the future. I guess I took option one for now. Totally scared shitless. Uncomfortable, and feeling broken. Trying not to feel broken, yet somehow, I find that difficult with everything going on. Keeping busy is my ally. If not, my mind would be in a bad place. A place that doesn't let me find the summer within me. I've been innovative in the ways I keep busy. I've begin compulsively letter writing. Although the slowest method of communication by far, we may all find that it is still the most heartfelt. Because who doesn't warm at thought of receiving something hand written in the mail? My best friends are both living states away...Colorado and Maryland. Too far, but perfect opportunities for letter writing, with ridiculous gel/glitter pens and cute stickers. I guess the little girl that loved lisa frank inside of you never dies. I guess, I am still here, still fighting...

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Enmole feelings

In the process of making enmoladas. Cooking always gets me in a good mood. I have the best focus when I am preparing something...My mind travels somewhere else and it is like an outside body experience. Strange, from such a focused skill, I find my mind to be at the most peace. Because in the last few months now, my mind has been everything but peaceful. My mind has been filled with worry and pain. It hasn't been filled with anything else significant. Well, I shouldn't say that. I've been concentrating on reading and keeping it busy...so that the horrible thoughts I feel don't cross my mind. Mind over matter. I am on the third book of the hunger games, over a period of two weeks. So, I guess that is pretty impressive for my own accomplishments. Thought I'd take a break from anything that meant concentrating after school was over, but it turns out that keeping my mind busy helps me distract from the negative thoughts and feelings. Back to the enmoladas...They are practically ready. In the oven, getting cheesy and warm. Enmoladas are like enchiladas, except with mole sauce. If you've never had chicken in mole sauce, you are totally missing out! Anywho...time to enjoy these babes!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Emotions...

The last few weeks after graduation have been extremely low and emotional. So much pain and unhappiness has happened. I figured that after graduation, things would be mighty dandy. That things would be stress free, boy was I wrong. I've been an emotional wreck. I've felt the loneliest I have ever felt and this I do not wish this on anyone. Because loneliness can cause havoc to the heart. Any tragedy, accompanied with family, is always more bearable. Because in the last few weeks, I've felt everything to be unbearable and lonely. So many nights I wished that I could be held by my mother, which I no longer have. I miss her presence and love more than ever. The pain at times was unbearable. Today as I am writing this, I feel less pain stricken, I guess. I have not fully recovered, and the pain still stings. For my own privacy, I'd rather not disclose details, but mainly explain how these events have made me feel over the last few weeks. Because for about a month now, I've never felt so vulnerable and incapable to cope with my feelings. Because the rational being that I am, I realize that I cannot continue to feel this way for any longer. I am my own self and I need to make good choices that will bring forth gain to my esteem. At times, I've felt that I have not been in control of myself and I have felt that my emotions have taken the reign over most of my life. This must come to an end. It cannot continue to cause havoc or pain the way it has for the last few weeks....I must find that summer, in the midst of winter....

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Finding the summer...

School is almost out and graduation is near! My stress level is beginning to cease...The light is near and it is beginning to warm me up! :D

Saturday, March 09, 2013

It's been long...

and Painful...the last time I've been so physically and emotionally exhausted was when I was taking care of my dying mother...This semester has been rough. I guess they saved the best for last. Well, it has definetly been that way! Things are turbulent in the heart and at home. All I can say, is that I am emotionally spent and I having a hard time coping without feeling anxious! I've been showering numerous times through the day because it helps me release anxiety; weird i guess, but i guess it is better than finding myself wrapped up in the corner and shaking uncontrollably. I haven't had a good day in what seems like weeks now. It makes me crazy; its hard to keep swimming in the dark. It is hard to release the emotional pain, when my mind is so realistically burdening my thoughts. It is like if my mind does not let me feel ridiculous; when i feel down and i think of these horrible things to help me deal with my anger, my mind clouds my heart and tells me to snap out of it! I guess that is a good thing? The thing is..it does not let me feel anything. I feel numb almost. Unable to cope and let it out. I've cried almost everyday for the last week. It is bringing havoc to my face and the bags underneath my eyes are getting ridiculous! Plus, it is hard to bear a smile; i have to do it though..for my job. For the people who I care for...and for the people that have way more many problems aside from my bullshit...for them, for me, and for what is left of my family... I need to stay positive and focused. The light is near, I just can't see it yet.