Surviving

It's been months! Years! As I re-read my last few posts, I could not help but feel sad at how sad I felt then. The truth is, I am better, but still battling with sadness that comes and goes; with anxiety that seems to follow me around like a mosquito chasing for blood. I guess I am broken, but aren't we all? These past holidays were difficult; there is a lot of buried pain in my family dynamics that re-arose these past holidays. I have made goals to make more boundaries to shield me from the pain that my some of my family causes me. I say some because not all my family is that way; my brother is one of them that has been so supportive in my journey to make more boundaries; we have gotten very close lately and I know my mother would be proud of us if she were here to say that. I am responsible for my feelings and for protecting myself; even if it means spending less time with my family. I am working on not letting these "boundary goals" leaving me lonely and isolated. I am working on it; its true, there are days that are harder than orders. Days that I wake up crying and days that I can't sleep because I am anxiously over analyzing unnecessarily. It is what it is. This is who I am. I have continued to exercise, which is by far the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at bay. I worked out 183 days out of the year 2015 and I am hungry for more! I refuse to take any sort of medication that will alter my conscious. I don't want it and I am fighting it will all I got. Things in the household have been much better. My husband and I just had our 7th wedding anniversary. Boy, has it been an adventure. Marriage is difficult. Extremely; but so worth it if two people are willing to make it work. My health has been good. My last 2 check ups went okay and I just had my 3rd check up today. I'll need 2 more negative check ups (including todays) so I can go back to going so frequently to the doctor. I am worried about the results, but when I am not worried? Completely normal I suppose; but worrying won't change the results so I must let it go! Anywho...I happened to stop by the blog because I clicked on a link of some other blogger (food blogger of course!) and I was curious at when my last post was. Well, here I am! Still alive, and still surviving. Happy 2016!

Anxiety can attack like vengance; Cold and slow...

Ughhh! Frustration, sadness, and anxiety has set it. The deadly combo is back with a vengance! It may have to do alot with the fact that my mom's death anniversary is coming up in a couple of days; to be exact it is on saturday. I am stressed, i am easily aggravated and I want to punch the wall. I wish I could hide under a rock and not come out for a couple of days. I am teary and irritable. I need to take a breather! I need an escape. Maybe a pina colada? No really. I think I am having a breakdown, a melt down. I don't even know what to think! I miss her dearly...I miss her words, her hugs, and most importantly her love.... May I find the strength to carry on and finish this day without taking out my husband.. eeeeek!!!!! P.S. I had a sweet day on tuesday with my brother, his gfriend, and my niece. I do enjoy those little moments with my my brother and my niece because I do not see them often. Life gets busy; but it is important that I make time for them because time/memories never comes back.....We saw BRAVE and had dinner....