Surviving

It's been months! Years! As I re-read my last few posts, I could not help but feel sad at how sad I felt then. The truth is, I am better, but still battling with sadness that comes and goes; with anxiety that seems to follow me around like a mosquito chasing for blood. I guess I am broken, but aren't we all? These past holidays were difficult; there is a lot of buried pain in my family dynamics that re-arose these past holidays. I have made goals to make more boundaries to shield me from the pain that my some of my family causes me. I say some because not all my family is that way; my brother is one of them that has been so supportive in my journey to make more boundaries; we have gotten very close lately and I know my mother would be proud of us if she were here to say that. I am responsible for my feelings and for protecting myself; even if it means spending less time with my family. I am working on not letting these "boundary goals" leaving me lonely and isolated. I am working on it; its true, there are days that are harder than orders. Days that I wake up crying and days that I can't sleep because I am anxiously over analyzing unnecessarily. It is what it is. This is who I am. I have continued to exercise, which is by far the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at bay. I worked out 183 days out of the year 2015 and I am hungry for more! I refuse to take any sort of medication that will alter my conscious. I don't want it and I am fighting it will all I got. Things in the household have been much better. My husband and I just had our 7th wedding anniversary. Boy, has it been an adventure. Marriage is difficult. Extremely; but so worth it if two people are willing to make it work. My health has been good. My last 2 check ups went okay and I just had my 3rd check up today. I'll need 2 more negative check ups (including todays) so I can go back to going so frequently to the doctor. I am worried about the results, but when I am not worried? Completely normal I suppose; but worrying won't change the results so I must let it go! Anywho...I happened to stop by the blog because I clicked on a link of some other blogger (food blogger of course!) and I was curious at when my last post was. Well, here I am! Still alive, and still surviving. Happy 2016!

Gordita attack!

The holiday weekend is here! I am off monday and tuesday of this coming week (24th and 25th)...on the other hand...my hub is granted a whole 2 weeks off! -.- LUCKY, and well chosen career choice Mr. Mendoza! ha...Regardless, planning to make the best of these few days off; enjoy my family and friends! My child hood friend is coming in from Washington D.C for a few days and I cannot wait! We are hosting a friend/xmas party get-to-gether tommorow for some friends....looking foward to the cooking, cleaning, stressing that will come from that..NOT...well, maybe the cooking part, which is by ar my favorite! Still unsure of what we are making, but in mind I have a seven layer dip that I have been craving! Robert has been hoping or some burgers + hot dogs on the grill...We will decide tommorow morning as we shop for the food...so much for early planning! I've never actually been much of an ahead planner.. I mean... I make lists, but I definetly procrastinate as much as I can. Working under pressure kills me, but makes it happen. I am currently even procrastinating my xmas gift wrapping; I've done some, but nearly not even half. Sigh, I will have to cram it in tommorow with my cleaning and cooking....

On another note, I really wanted to eat my heart out tonite. You see, Friday's are my cheat days. I'd say that I eat healthy about 80 percent of the time...the other 20 percent, I break under pressure and fulfill my fat girl needs... Eat as I please, without worries. You see, I've always battled with weight. At my heaviest, I was at an unhealthy 200 lbs for my 5'2" stature. Today, I am about 140, still on the heavy side, but with some muscle to back me up... haha...No really, I get those legs from my mother.... But knowing of the feasts that lay ahead has stopped me....Rob and I opted to hit Subway. Had myself a veggie sandwich with avocado and swiss cheese....it did the trick, and I am happy camper...Definetly need to hit the sheets early tonite, so I can start my tasks for tommorow. Hoping the holiday spirits keep me on a high and not on a low ....definetly missing my mother...Visited my father, who I am not as close as I have wanted to be. You see, his alcoholism drove my mother and father apart, and his father skills, were never the best. Today, I just feel bad for his loneliness...My parents were both older parents and at his tender age of 73, I am NO ONE to judge or hold grudges..I must accept the reality of things and move foward with the time I have left with him. It is difficult at times to build that bond over such a short period of time..But, like my husband says...some effort is better than NO effort.

Dig for the sunshine from within...and its warmthness will cover your shoulders with hope!

spirit of productivity.

My niece had her winter ballet recital tonight. She is truly a wonderful child. Simple, loving, sweet, funny and very bright. But who doesn't say that about their nieces or children? Regardless, the energy she transmitts is part of my mother's legacy; which warms and holds my soul during the lonely periods of my life. I am so happy my mother was able to experience the love of this child before her passing. My mind grasps that memory and doesn't let it go....These last two days have been wonderful. Enjoying the company of my so missed sister in law from pittsburgh, my days off, my wonderful husband, and my family. Fearful of the upcoming stress of the holidays and the anxiety it may bring....One day at a time, I hope... Want to stay productive from here until school starts up again in the spring. I will get things done, cook some food, write my mexican memoirs, and clean mi casa! Yup.