It's been long...

and Painful...the last time I've been so physically and emotionally exhausted was when I was taking care of my dying mother...This semester has been rough. I guess they saved the best for last. Well, it has definetly been that way! Things are turbulent in the heart and at home. All I can say, is that I am emotionally spent and I having a hard time coping without feeling anxious! I've been showering numerous times through the day because it helps me release anxiety; weird i guess, but i guess it is better than finding myself wrapped up in the corner and shaking uncontrollably. I haven't had a good day in what seems like weeks now. It makes me crazy; its hard to keep swimming in the dark. It is hard to release the emotional pain, when my mind is so realistically burdening my thoughts. It is like if my mind does not let me feel ridiculous; when i feel down and i think of these horrible things to help me deal with my anger, my mind clouds my heart and tells me to snap out of it! I guess that is a good thing? The thing is..it does not let me feel anything. I feel numb almost. Unable to cope and let it out. I've cried almost everyday for the last week. It is bringing havoc to my face and the bags underneath my eyes are getting ridiculous! Plus, it is hard to bear a smile; i have to do it though..for my job. For the people who I care for...and for the people that have way more many problems aside from my bullshit...for them, for me, and for what is left of my family... I need to stay positive and focused. The light is near, I just can't see it yet.