I feel like a fish in a dirty tank...

sigh, i think I am going to lose it. I think my dad is deteriorating quickly and I've failed to accept it. I can't bear losing another parent. I will be parentless... That emptiness is causing a huge hole in my chest and I don't know how to keep it together without popping?! I don't know...how to feel? Hurt, sad? Of course, yes, I am sad. As bad as a parent that my father was, he is still my father. I still love him. My father and I have never been close; merely far friends. I visit him as often as my heart permits. It is painful, yet I can't be angry for the bad choices he made. All I can do is be as loving as I can be; I am expecting the worse, and hoping for the best...