Let there be sunshine.

id say im perfect...

2011-08-03T22:59:00.002-05:00

But I'm not. As anal and neurotic as I am I cannot keep up with this damn blog. Married, with a young man that is a band director for low brass. Currently working as an oncology nurse giving chemotherapy and some hope to cancer victims...starting my bachelors in nursing this august 2011. Currently loving, and struggling with life, but HEY who isn't?

.010

2010-04-21T23:29:00.004-05:00

Life is a whirlwind of so many sentiments and so many more perplexities. I miss the hot summer nights as a kid, carelessness evaporating into darkness and a swarm of mosquitos, little sweat drenched bodies, and fireflies keeping us entertained. Life isn't that easy anymore. It just can't be. We have to produce, reproduce and die. That's just part of the plan. Whose plan is it anyways ahm?

Life's been above sunshine. We recently purchased our first home and my tasks for the next couple of weeks will be to warm it up. It's exciting. The months are rolling away and it's almost summer! oh how i yearn for the sand and the sea to touch my toes....No babies yet. Taking a harsh course of statistics that makes monday night too much fun (eesh); enjoy being a nerd though..ha! We will see where life takes us..

its time for this insomniac to reach diety. nightfall on our new comfty mattress!
<3333

.009

2009-10-25T15:31:00.002-05:00

I've been okay I suppose. Haven't really been able to keep up with blogging so much. I've been working hard. Living hard. Cancer bites. It destroys more than just people, it destroys families. Hope. I see so many young and wonderful people stricken with then shadow of cancer over their lives. Very frightening. It's almost halloween and October is almos't done with. Welcome November, arghhh...I can't wait for the stuffing. Yummm. I've been keeping up with the gym so far. Attending at least 3 times a week. It helps because I'm a fattie. Love food. :D

My husband and I are approaching a year of marriage this upcoming January and our 3 year anniversary of daing and four years of knowing each other. Wow, time is flying by...It's crazy. Life is good so far..

Halloween is around the corner. I might stay home and watch movies. Drink warm pumpkin flavored something. Be warm under a blanket with my hubby...ahem. awesomeness..

...May we continue to move foward...

.008

2009-07-02T08:10:00.002-05:00

Hello there. I am still alive. Just changed jobs recently. I am working at an oncology clinic here in texas. "Texas Oncolgy" and I love it. Totally different from the hospital setting. And the best thing, I'm working days now. Night schedule was really kicking my butt. I was so grouchy and exhausted all the tiem. I really needed this change. I've been here now for three weeks and I can honestly say I've learned so much. I was working in the cardiac area previously to this and well it's a totally different ball game in oncology. We see from 40-60 patients daily strictly with cancer or any type of hematology disorder. That doesn't include the patients that are already in chemo and in the radiation rooms. I'm with the doctor mainly right now, but I will soon be cross trained to the chemo room. Super excited. I've always been drawn to this area since my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I'm glad I am finally able to get in here. On the last of this month, it was the year anniversary of my mom's passing. So difficult, especially now that I am working here, the same place where I used to bring her to get treated. The same hallways we used to walk through...Extremely difficult, but the only thing that helps me get through is the knowledge that she is not suffering anymore; that her pain exists no more but only in memories. She is happy and that she is watching over me somehow. My husband is a blessing and he has gotten me through some of those hard months were I didn't even think it would be possible to get through. Thank God for him. Otherwise, things are well. My husband and I are incredibly happy. No babies planned yet until maybe in 2 years. Planning to hit San Antonio, Texas sometime at the end of this month. Excited. Sorry for leaving everyone hanging..If anyone reads this anyway.

Peace and love,
B.

.007

2009-03-05T02:51:00.000-06:00

I'm alive. just been involved in a whirlpool of crap.

.oo6

2009-02-07T03:17:00.002-06:00

Lyrics to "Everybody is free to wear sunscreen"
by Baz Luhrman

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term
benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or
reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and
beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of
yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous
you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra
equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides
you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is
long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people
I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll
divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half
chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the
greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in
the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps
and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you
were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you
do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children
respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse,
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia;
dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and
recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

.005

2009-02-02T03:22:00.002-06:00

I've been exploring the idea of continuing my education in my nursing career. I've been really wanting to obtain a specialty in nursing. Although I love working in the cardiac area, my soul has been calling me towards the area of oncology/hematology . Ever since my mom got sick and every since this disease took her, I've been drawn towards this area. My mother was diagnosed with a myelodysplastic syndrome about 3 years before she passed. A sort of leukemia that took her slowly and painfully. I'm really looking foward to focusing in this area, but the only thing that holds me back in the painful idea of exposing myself to multiple drugs of chemotherapeutic nature and damaging my children-bearing capabilities. Although I can explore the idea of at least just working in another aspects of this area, not actually administrating the drugs myself. In a bigger picture, I've realized the capacity of my learning abilities. I realized I've never wanted to stop learning. Returning to school this semester has made my life so much stressful but yet so much more rewarding than only working. I simply love the stress of school. I've also realized that educating the public is another mission that I need to add on my list of things to do. A big part of nursing is education. Education of others to take care of their health. Here in the lower Tip of Texas there is a big decline in health in women. Which is has been clearly linked to the increase number of young pregnancies anywhere between the ages of 14 and 18. A big problem here in our area. That is another aspect I'd like to explore. So many things.. So much to learn... Gives me an incentive to do more.

.004

2009-01-27T17:10:00.003-06:00

Quick blog:

Today I started jogging again and it felt amazing. I don't think I've felt so good in days. I ran three miles in about 30 minutes. I guess not so bad for my first day back. I eventually wanna get back to running my 5 miles that I was running before the wedding. I feel so good, happy energetic and ready to keep going. Made some chicken/vegetable soup for the hubby with some quesadillas. Did I tell you how much I love endorphins? ha!

k, gotta get ready for that night shift. Working 7p-7a today. Then hitting the books tommorow.

.003

2009-01-24T03:56:00.004-06:00

I'm frustrated. I'm insomnic again. I fell asleep and its 245 a.m. and I'm here awake. So I lay there awake, looking at the ceiling, in desperate attempts to fall asleep. After many attempts with obvious failure, I get my sorry butt out of bed and into the living room. The laptop for now is my only companion. I've always hated being awake alone at nights especially when everyone else is asleep. It scares me. I can hear every clock in the room ticking, my husband snoring in the bedroom, the faucet dripping, etc. Indeed irritating. So I'm here.

Yesterday was decent day for me. My husband left to work, and I put myself into the mood of cleaning. I had to do laundry anyway, so I figured that I'd kill 2 birds with one stone. I actually kicked ass. I finished in about 2 hrs everything. I was pretty proud of myself there. Took a nap, and finally went to do what I had put off for the whole week....Taxes! Arghhh. Needless to say, what I expected I got. All I am about to say is that I am glad taxes are only once a year. pshhhh. Afterwards, I went for a most deserved hair pampering. I had been wanting and needing to get my hair colored a darker shade from what I have now and I finally succeeded in doing it. and I love it! By this time the hubby was out of work and I opted to leave the kitchen alone for tonite and share some dinner out with him. An overall good day despite taxes. I definetly need to catch up on my reading. So I shall do this today.

.002

2009-01-23T00:44:00.002-06:00

I'm going to write about this because I think I am ready to bring it out into the open and maybe writing about it well help me deal with it at a better extent. As a young kid, I was one of many children who suffered from sexual abuse. It's been a long road to recovery and even now I think I'm not fully there yet. Most of my insecurities, my fears come from here. When I tend to emotionally fall apart most of my tears, my pain radiates back to this. That scar never really seems to heal. It's like one of those scars that are always tender to pressure or to stimulation. I've gone to counseling and my husband has been great in helping me, but I still yet to feel completely free from this. It's like that extra little weight you can never get off your waist. Unfortunately it was a family member and I eventually have to hear from him. That doesn't help. At times, I fall into great sadness, and it's hard to cope with it especially when my life still has to move foward. I still have to work, smile, and be happy. I tend to lash at my husband and I feel terrible afterwards. When we argue, I attach "guilt" to almost everything. It's almost impossible for me not to. I've joined this online blogging thing for victims of sexual abuse but I avoid going on there... (weird...mmm)... I really saddens me to read about the millions of ppl that have been abused by people who didn't think before acting...I'm trying to focus my energy into several things, which I've found useful:

1) cooking

2) school

3)writing

4)biking

Writing has helped me express things I've never thought I could ever talk about. I'm hoping I continue to see the light at the end of that tunnel.

.001

2009-01-21T17:01:00.003-06:00

As I quickly head to work, I realize how dangerous driving is. Being trapped in a small capsulike "box" moving at high speeds trying not to get into uncoming traffic and avoid being hit by others.

I've only had one major accident in my life and I do not wish for more. To make the story short, I ended up flipped over in a canal. Almost drowned, if not for the other driver in the other car who saved me. I really did think I was dying. The weirdest feeling. A review of my life flashed before my eyes and I couldn't help but become delirious and somewhat numb to the whole situation. I guess it was my brain's way of preventing me from completely shutting down in panic. My mind was cloudy but I could still see what I was doing. Out of miracle the other driver broke one of the windows and pulled me out. If not I would have been trapped and drowned by the continous flow of incoming water. For weeks after the accident, I couldn't get behind the wheel. I cried at the mere idea of driving. I anxiously lost weight without my control. It was so weird. I can't remember most of those memories post the accident. It's as if I lived my life without knowing it. With lots of praying and keeping busy, I eventually recuperated and life had more meaning. Things went back to routine an I eventually recuperated from the trauma. I've only got a couple of scars on both of my knees to prove my survival, but otherwise, I think an angel was there that night to save me.

chocolate flan

2009-01-19T23:47:00.002-06:00

I'm beginning to enjoy the wifely duties which is to cook. I love experimenting new things and most of all watching my husband and friends eat it!

yummmm...

Want the recipe?

message me a comment.

B.sunshine

Loveeee

2009-01-19T22:52:00.003-06:00

It's been like a million years. I've fallen into the guilty category of abandoning my blogging. I will try to be more loyal. Well in the months that proceeded by absence I married my best friend, my sunshine and the love of my life. I was so busy during this time that I found it almost impossible to be anywhere near a computer except to check my email and that was it. My wedding went beautifully as I imagined it. I knew my mother was watching me from above and that kept me collected thru the entire ceremony. Married life is great. Despite what others say. I believe in one thing...working on it one day at a time, and most importantly never stop trying. It seems like I never stop falling in love with my husband. Everyday is an adventure and a blessing. He's been my strong shoulder. Where I continue to lean on for support. What I've learned in the past months was that "Love is not two people looking at each other, its two mature adults looking in the same direction"

I expect changes, difficult times, but indeed happy times with the person I love and desire to be with the most.

....Promise to be more faithful to blogger

loooooves

2008-10-17T03:55:00.006-05:00

Icecream.

I love icecream. Indeed one of the best creations on this earth. Nothing better than that sweet savory and creamy texture in your mouth. Ohhhh, snaps. Let's talk about flavours.

You start with your basic. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. Then you get all crazy. Pistachio, rockyroad, banana nut...Literally creations that can make your tastebuds go WILD!

Have you ever had a chunky monkey?

The time is now.

2008-10-16T16:01:00.003-05:00

I hadn't had a chance to post a pic of my cherry blossom tattoo, but Yaaaay, it's finally here. Enjoy. <3

P.S. It's not as big as it seems.

Healthful Tips.

2008-10-14T16:47:00.004-05:00

I think we've all been there, or at least thought of it. The horrible and scariest word on this planet. DIE-TING.

America's beautiful picture isn't exactly curvacious, big hips and a big be-hind. (although I do have to credit that some ideas are changing about the way a real woman look). So the reason I am writing this blog is to alarm everyone and inform everyone not to fall in this treacherous path of this type of dieting. Although I do have to admit that the only right way to do any type of drastic change to your body is by healthy eating and exercising.

As an ex-slave to crash dieting, I am proud to say that I have been clean of crash dieting for almost 2 years. I've always struggled with weight issues since I was in preparatory school. I was really overweight and I was desperate to lose the weight. So I found myself in the crash dieting, yo-yo effect for years. In truthness, this type of dieting is worthless and puts harmful and unhealthy effects to your body, depriving your system of healthy nutrients that your body needs.

These are my secrets to maintain a healthy weight, a healthy body and most importantly to still be able to satisfy one of the most pleasurable things on this planet, EATING! (applause).

The commandments of a healthy lifestyle:

-First things first, one must change in mentality. See this challenge as a way of getting healthy and feeling good. Don't look it at in numbers, or in how many inches or lbs you are losing. Numbers are important in calculating if you are making progress, but don't obssess!

-Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day. If you have a healthy and satisfying breakfast, you won't overeat in lunch.

-Portions, portions, PORTIONS! The key to everything. Look at food labels. Check out the serving size. Want some icecream. Try some low-fat icecream, and eat the serving size. You'll know exactly how many calories you are eating. If you need to, get out those measuring cups and measuring spoons.

-Satisfy your sweet/salty tooth. Just remember the commandment of portions.

-Carry healthy snacks.

-Water, Water, Water. But don't be exclusive to that. Many of your favorite brands have reduced sugar, or zero calories beverages. Mix it up! examples:

coke zero (it's really better tasting that diet coke)

powerade zero

diet nestea

diet green tea

sprite zero

And most importantly! Exercise. Some of your local gyms now have great options rather than just staying on the old boring treadmill. In the last couple of months I've picked up Body pump, cardio-boxing, spinning, etc. These are fun alternatives to your typical workout routines.

...and use your resources! Ipods. Mp3's etc. Load up your favorite tunes into a playlist and rock it on the treadmill or elliptical. Believe me, you'll forget about the time when you are tunning into your favorite old time songs.

And, just because you've reached a certain weight or feel cofindent in the now, don't forget that fitness is not a goal. It's a life time commitment.

:)

2008-10-13T01:40:00.002-05:00

Things that brought me joy today.

-Cooking spagetti for my fiance.

-Eating a flour, barbacoa+bean taco for breakfast (I've been deprived. Don't ask.)

-Laying in bed all day, knowing that my fiance was near in the next room.

-Cuddling with my fiance.

-Taking a warm shower with my brown sugar and fig body wash.

-Eating a hotdog for lunch.

-Feeling loved.

Bitch.

2008-10-13T01:08:00.002-05:00

I've noticed I have a really hard time controlling my anger. I'm real sweet and all, but I tend to bottle up my anger and then I notice that it only takes one small comment, one small insignificant thing and there I go ravaging into this ridiculous anger burst. After I'm overmyself, I realize how retarded and how ignorant I was acting. I say some of the most ridiculous things when I'm angry. Even things I don't mean. I feel guilty to say that I've even said I hate you to people I love. I hate being hurtful. But, believe it or not, sometimes I feel like I am not at control of my own self... Then I end up feeling depressed and sad for the way I was acting. I feel really crummy and I'm running out of ideas to control this nasty habit. I recently got into it with my fiance and the funny thing is that now I don't even remember what the argument was about (everything is okay now). But this definetly needs to stop... I hate arguing, I hate fighting and I hate making people feel bad.

Boo for me.
Arghhh.
O_O

Yumm-O

2008-10-07T00:29:00.002-05:00

G-R-A-P-E-S.

Feed me some!

or some wine and cheese...

butt?

2008-10-06T22:20:00.002-05:00

So while jogging today, I pulled that muscle right in the middle of your butt that moves everytime you take a step and I'm dying... I guess I never realized how much of this butt muscle we use. Everytime, I take a step i feel a stabbing pain all the way into my waist. I was in the mist of finishing my 4 mile jog and I was really looking foward to doing 5 today and BAM out of nowhere I almost collapsed from the pain I felt. I had to stop and sit. The thing is I have a 5 mile race that I'm planning to run on November the 1st and I need to prep for that. I know 5 miles ins't much of a biggie, but for a person that never runs...hint: me, it's quite an accomplishment. So, now I'm here at work limping around and everyone is asking me, what's wrong. For some reason, everyone fails to believe that it's from working out. HA ha. Too funny.

p.e.a.c.e

7

2008-10-03T03:09:00.002-05:00

7 Things I plan to do before I die...

Visit Nepal and meditate with the monks.
Scuba dive/skydive/cavern dive.
Run a marathon.
Have my own bundles of joy.
Own a home.
Work as an oncology nurse.
Break a world record.

7 Things I do now...

Work as a registered nurse
Plan my upcoming wedding
Pay my bills
Love and cherish my fiance
Watch Sailor moon like a true fanatic
Surf the internet
Cook

7 Things I can't do...

Cartwheel
Roll my tongue
Eat a tomato
Be irresponsible
Iron correctly
Make good lasagna
Stop missing my mother

7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex...

Intelligence
Nice smile
Funny
Polite
Kind and considerate to others
Responsible
Tall

7 Things I say most often...

This is delicious...
Chingado...(spanish term)
This is totally ridiculous...
Whatever
Want a muffin?
I love you!
What's up niggguh!

7 Celebrities I admire...

Natalie Portman
Christian Bale
Heath Ledger
Shia Labeouf
America Ferrera
Ellen Page
Gary Oldman.

7 Favorite foods...

Pineapple
Burgers (I love to try all sorts)
Pizza (any topping)
Lasagna
Hot cheetos
Peaches
Muffins!

Tag, you're it.

<3

2008-10-03T02:48:00.003-05:00

Sweet smelling. Soft against your skin. Shiny, seeing your reflection against its red crimson skin. Tart, but incredibly sweet. Crunchy, yet smooth on your palate. Juicy. Drizziling down your throat. Satisfying your mouth, satisfying your body.

****
Recent researches have shown that eating apples are linked to reducing cancer risk in several studies. Some examples are :

-Quercetin, a flavonoid abundant in apples has been found to help prevent the growth of prostate cancer cells

-Phytonutrients in the skin of apples inhibited the growth of colon cancer cells by 43%

-Food containing flavonoids like those in apples may reduce risk of lung cancer as much as 50%

-Dietary phenolics such as flavonoids (found in apples) have inhibitory effects on the developments of carcinogenic substances in the bladder, thereby reducing risk of bladder cancer, especially in smokers

-Moreover, eating apples could improve lung function and reduce the risk of respiratory diseases such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) due to antioxidants present in apples that would counter the oxygen's damaging effects on the body as well as the flavonoids such as catechins (present in apples and tea).

-In addition, studies have shown that a diet rich in apples could help to lower the blood cholesterol level. Pectin, a soluble fibre found in apples has been thought to play a significant role in this. In fact, apple juice has been found to inhibit the oxidation of a harm form of cholesterol (LDL, or low-density lipoprotein).

-Besides therapeutic benefits, apples are also found to play a role in inhibiting ageing-related problems, preventing wrinkles and promoting hair growth (due to compound named procyanidin B-2).

-For those weight-watchers, this is good new as pples are delicious source of dietary fibre and helps to aid digestion and promote weight loss.

Welcome October!

2008-10-02T22:45:00.005-05:00

Another month has flown by and another one is just arriving. O-c-t-o-b-e-r. The month of pumpkins. The month of leaves falling. Orange, yellow, brown. Scarecrows, candy and warm crisp nights. Horror tales. Beautiful night skies...

The months are closing in on the wedding. Pretty soon I'll be Mrs. Mendoza. I'm pretty excited and nervous. I hope I can live up to the expectations. You know, clean, cook, be a good mother to my future children. Good wife, good lover, good everything. I think it will take time for me to adjust to the new life, but I'm sure things will be okay. I'm sure i'll adjust. My fiance and I have talked about it and we've decided we are going to wait a while before having kids. I'm definetly not ready for it. I still feel the need to be selfish. To provide for myself only and for my fiance. I know once I have kids, my priorities will change, and I'll be no longer first on the list...so we've decided to enjoy ourselves first and then try. I'm just glad my fiance and I both agreed on the fact that

We do want kids

We want to wait a while before having them.

But, hey who knows. Maybe we'll want one and have one early. You just never know. Plus, knowing me and my fickleness (word?), I'll want one.

...

My fiance and I have this marriage seminar on friday and saturday. I'm actually looking foward to it. Hey, I'm all ears in finding out the recipe for a good marriage...

So those are the plans for this weekend... I'm off friday and saturday and they've scheduled me extra for sunday. I guess it should be okay...Extra cash is always niiice.

anyway,

peace out.

Beauty and Disaster.

2008-09-29T04:39:00.003-05:00

You know, it's hard to believe that after seeing so much beauty, so much wonder, people continue to believe that nature is part of our lives, and not the other way around. We are nature. We are merely an infestation to this earth. We are slowly heading towards becoming another one of those dwarf planets. It's really scary and it's really REAL. The planet is our only home. No other planet has been found yet to sustain life. The planet is becoming sicker and sicker every day. Our ice-caps are melting. Our sea-level is rising every year.

Please be eco-friendly.
:]

She's still here...

2008-09-28T22:47:00.004-05:00

So I bought a box of shrimp from one of the nurses, who's husband is a shrimper and we are going to have a fried fish/shrimp day tommorow at my future brother in law's home. I srsly can't wait. Call me a fattie, but I've never been so excited. I loooove shrimp. and fish. and oysters. and calamari. yum-o

....
My mother's 60's birthday would have been on Saturday September 27th. It was a sad day, but regardless of that, it was very memorable, full of epiphanies on life and memories. I realized how much I'm like my mother and how much I've grown because of her. She pushed me to my limits even when I didn't want to. Pushed me to become a woman. A woman of strength and honesty. She showed me to be strong, have courage and to love the people around that really care to be there. She showed me how to love, how to give the best of yourself to the ones that deserve it. She helped me let go of the past, and learn from my mistakes. Believe it or not, she has helped me love my fiance. She showed me how to be a good woman, how to take care of others, and how to be a good wife, hopefully soon. I'd be lost if I hadn't had her instruction. She's given me so much, but mainly a second chance on life.

Wedding Planning

2008-09-24T04:09:00.003-05:00

I bought my wedding dress this past sunday. Obviously, not this one, but I thought this photo was neat when I saw it. I bought it in mcallen and it was the last one that I tried on. It is ivory in colour and the veil matches in design with the dress. A bitter sweet moment for me. Felt so right, but felt so painful at the same time. My mother wasn't there. The most important person in the world was not there to see me. I know she is heaven looking down on me, but I can't help and be but selfish and want her here with me. I know, I know. Everything that she was going through wan't fair for her to go through. She endured so much... She lived in so much pain. I miss her so much. I miss her warmthness, her love, her presence....

It added up to a total of 900 dollars and that really burnt a hole in our pockets, but hey you only do get married once. Not going bankrupt though, but I am planning to make our wedding memorable. I still need to set up the photography. I've been working on my party favors and I'm still undecided on the type of flowers for my bouquet. I had originally chosen a water lily, but since the water lily is white, it might not make a good contrast with the ivory dress..I don't want to be anal, but little things like that bother me sometime...I suppose I am anal. HA HA HA.

So many things to do...
So little time.
Toodles.

earthy question

2008-09-18T02:42:00.004-05:00

"If the planet dies, you die. If you die the planet survives."

mmm?

late...

2008-09-18T02:42:00.003-05:00

So...I had to work wednesday night. I srsly closed my eyes for a second and the next thing you know it, I'm getting a phone call stating "Where are you?" I look at the time and I realize holy mole it's 705 pm and I'm supposed to be there at 645 pm. If it wasn't for that phone call, I'd still be napping. I didn't put my alarm because I closed my eyes around 130 pm. I didn't think I'd sleep in for 5 hrs...Ugghhhh. So there I go running around the house, putting my scrubs on and getting my things together. I'm usually never late....

Freal.

Other than that, I had 2 amazing days off. I achieved in getting some things off my checklist for the wedding and I made an appt for sunday so I can go try on wedding dressings. It will be a bitter sweet moment for me, due to the fact that the most important person that I want to be there, won't... my mother. But, everyone says she'll be watching me from heaven. and I hope so.

I went to my first strip joint on tues night. It was quite an experience. Although the drinks sucked, I have to admit some of those girls are talented. Some of them really made love to that pole. LMAO. I even got a lap dance! hahah Never say never... until you try it once. We ended the night early because he had to work in the morning. Overall, we bonded well these two days. I'm looking foward to having this weekend off...will keep ya posted.

The Moon Kingdom

2008-09-15T01:24:00.009-05:00

The story of Sailor Moon begins long ago, during the Silver Millennium. It was a very happy time, when all the planets were joined together in harmony and peace. The Moon Kingdom was the happiest place of all. The ruler of all the planets was Queen Serenity. She had a daughter, Serena, whom she was raising in her footsteps. Every night there would be parties and fireworks. Serena would attend all of the parties but she spent most of her time staring at the earth, for she had fallen in love with a man from the earth. His name was Prince Darien and he would go to the Moon kingdom fairly often just to see Serena. On this particular night, Serena was more dreamy then usual.While everyone else was inside at the party laughing and talking, Serena was outside on the balcony, staring at the Earth. Suddenly, Darien appeared. He told Serena that evil forces called the Negaverse had attacked the earth. As the Prince of the Earth he had fought very intensively, but these Negaverse creatures were much stronger than he and his warriors were. They planned to attack the Moon next and he would fight as hard as he could to protect it. Then a guard came along shouting "Spy! Spy! Come on, men! We have a spy!" and began chasing Darien. "Good-bye, my princess. I will see you again." Darien said, before he raced away, the guards behind him.Serena stood there for a few more minutes, then returned to the party. Just as she was reached the bottom of the steps leading to the Grand Ballroom, a hand reached for hers. It was Darien. He began to dance with her and he told her that Queen Serenity had asked him to stay and help fight the Negaverse. Suddenly, Luna and Artemis ran though the crowd shouting, "Battle! Battle! The Negaverse has struck! We need as many warriors as we can get!" Darien disappeared into the crowd and then Sailor Mars, Jupiter, Mercury, and Venus (who were princesses of their own respected planets, but part of Serena's court as well) blasted the Negaverse with their power. Serena ran onto the balcony and was confronted by Queen Beryl.Darien jumped in between them. He held his sword in front of him. "Hello, Darien." Queen Beryl smiled her evil smile. "I've heard about you. A great warrior like you, how could I not? The dark side always needs great warriors. Why don't you join me? Rule the world at my side, as the king, and taste the glory of victory." "I don't think so." Darien replied. "I don't team up with snakes like you. Cold ugly snakes that have no heart or soul." "No one speaks to Queen Beryl that way!" she barked. Then she blasted Darien and he float listlessly toward him in a beam of light. Serena was horrified. "Darien!" she cried." Run, Serena! Run!" Darien shouted. " No! I want to be with you!" Serena ran toward him and leapt off the balcony toward him, into the light. When their fingers touched they both became lifeless. Queen Serenity ran outside. "No! She's taken them both! No, no! Serena! Come back!" She cried. "No, no. Not the Princess." Luna began to cry.Queen Beryl cackled. "Perfect. Just perfect. The prince and the princess are with me. Just perfect. " Queen Beryl laughed. Queen Beryl unleashed her fiercest warriors, The Seven Shadows, at Queen Serenity and her palace. They destroyed the Moon Kingdom until all was left of it were ruins. Then they headed for her. "Cosmic Moon Power!" Queen Serenity shouted. The seven shadows and the entire Negaverse vanished in a cloud of dust. Queen Serenity fell to her knees and leaned against a column."Queen Serenity, you destroyed them!" Luna appeared beside her. "I trapped them in my crystal, yes. For if I had destroyed them I would of destroyed Serena and her court." Artemis appeared suddenly. Queen Serenity took the Silver Crystal off of her Crescent Moon Wand. "Queen Serenity, if you do that you won't have any power left!" Artemis protested. "It's the only way for Serena and her court to live on. And for the seven shadows to be concealed. The seven shadows will be reborn in humans. If any danger appears I trust you'll be there to alert the Sailor Scouts." Suddenly, The Silver Crystal began to float above her hand higher and higher until it was seen no more. " Good-bye now. Take care. And good-bye, my darling daughter. We shall meet again." Queen Serenity called after it. She reached upward and suddenly, her eyes closed and she became lifeless. The Queen was dead. "Queen Serenity!" shouted Artemis and Luna. Suddenly, they were both concealed in containers and floated toward earth. Serena and her court were in little bubbles floating toward earth safe and sound. They were all reborn on earth with no memory or recollection of the Moon Kingdom or the Silver Millennium. But one fateful day, Queen Beryl rose again and that's when The Moon Princess finally awoke to her destiny.

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I also forgot to mention I'm a sucker for anime, especially Sailor moon! Ultimately favorite love stories of all times!

crunch and munch on this.

2008-09-14T23:22:00.002-05:00

God. Srly, why does food have to be so deliciously decadent. I hate being in a dietttttt. Its scary to see that the word diet has the word DIE in it. I know, I know. So why then do it?

I need to fit into my wedding dress
I have a tendency to become overweight if I don't.
I used to be obese and I don't want that.
I'm a nurse and I know better not to let myself become risky to my own health.

The story is, I used to be really overweight when I was younger. Then one day I decided to change my eating habits and lose weight. I'm pretty healthy now. I'm only about 135 lbs and 5'3", but if I let myself go, I know i'll explode.

FREAL.

Plus, I know better than to become unhealthy. I work in a cardiac floor and it never fails when I see young men and woman, early 30's 40's with occluded veins and bad hearts. It totally kicks me in the heart, to see them at that state. Plus, not only heart disease, but diabetes as well.

I might sound like a hypochondriac, but being around disease around the clock, makes you a little more aware of everything that's out there.

So... I might munch on a apple instead of this. mmmcrunch.

Ike please don't come.

2008-09-10T04:41:00.003-05:00

Dane Cook. Ahhh, what can I say. The sexiest man alive. not exactly, but pretty perfect. There is just something about this guy. That devilish look in his eyes. Bad boys are always good trouble. Anywho, just thought I'd place this photo in for fun. Working late makes me delirious at times. It's 444 am and I'm dying to go home, regardless if it isn't it to go to sleep. I have to do several errands this morning. Go to the gym, continue with the details of the weddings and so forth. And then prepare for Ike. Ike who? The damn hurricane we are supposed to be getting. Jesus, how often do we have to go thru this. Funny thing, it always happens on the weekends I'm scheduled to work. Funny thing is that they'll probably make me stay since the streets will more likely be flooded and the rain will be swarming the town. That means only one thing. I'll be breathing, eating and shitting hospital. Ahhhhhh. So i'm praying. [literally] that we don't get hit. I don't want to have to spend the night/day here at the hospital. Either way I'm screwed, because I have to work all weekend and live thru the hurricane, both things bite. Anyways, I'm done. Need to attend to my patients.

peace.

Now

2008-09-09T02:45:00.003-05:00

I've sort of dissapeared from here for a while. I suppose my life has been a rowdy mess since my mom passed away. It's been difficult. Filled with emotional outburts and breakdowns. I've also been super busy with the whole wedding planning thing. It's harder than I thought. So many things to do. So many things to pay for. Geeeeez. The place was overall pretty expensive. But it's a great place. I don't have any doubts in my mind that I want to marry this man and that I want to do it in the scene of nature. Since my mom's passing, I've been overall closer to nature itself. More appreciative of it. I guess all this makes me realize how much of nature we are part of. How we are part of nature, not nature part of our lives. I recently got a tatt of a cherry blossom on my back with my the inscription Mom and her date of Birth and Death.

So why the cherry blossom?

The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. This also has been extended to the life of a warrior whose life was ended early in battle.

Gives me shivers.

Well, I'll try to keep myself updated on here.

latas.

Engaged!

2008-07-19T03:09:00.002-05:00

I'm engaged with the most wonderful man on this earth. He proposed to me on Thurs evening before we went to go watch The Dark Knight. I guess it might be kind of dorky but, I loved it. I'm so happy and now I'm busy, busy busy. We've set a date for December 27, 2008 and we've even gone to look at a reception. I think we were both sold on that place. It's location is on a couple of very naturistic acres with a beautiful victorian style home, in which we can host the party. Full of trees, the home has a place for the bride and the groom to dress, and a lake at the front of the home. Can it get any better? The price ain't too shaby either. I really hope we can book it. It be perfect.

<3

2008-07-15T01:04:00.003-05:00

Love: I love the way you look at me. The way you hold me. The way you make me feel the princess of this raging, frivolous world.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-15T00:34:00.003-05:00

This weekend was pretty rad, but long. I helped my love move into his small, but cozy apartment and i helped him decorate. Nothing beats decorating. I was off for 3 days in a row and nothing beats that either. That hadn't happened in a while. Somehow work always ruins my weekends and calls me in. lolz. I don't have to come in, but the extra cash is always nice. I hit the beach on saturday like I had planned and it was packed. I didn't achieve the well-planned tan I wanted, but it was very relaxing. Sunday my boyfriend and I went to watch Hellboy and had a delicious meal at a genuine pizza parlor in town. It was great. I'm a rat for Guillermo del Toro films. Pans Labyrinth, the orphanage and now hellboy. Whooohooo. He has a huge imagination. We've bought tickets for the midnight show on thurs for The Dark Knight. Robert and I can't wait to see it. He's a total nerd about it. HEATH LEDGER'S last film!!!

Today I had my first trombone lesson. It was fun. My boyfriend is a total band geek as well. He's a director at a nearby middle school and he opted to teach me this summer. It brought me memories from back in the day. I used to play baritone in middle school. Apparently I have a good buzzz. lol. He made me lunch and we ate. Then I came to work. I'm scheduled to work Mon, Tues, Fri-Sun. Off Wed and Thurs. I plan to lay around and do absolutely nothing those days.

I've payed my bills, and I have the rest of my check to spend on whatever the hell I want. Here are my bills:

>Car Payment

>Insurance

>Cell Phone Bill

>Credit Card

>Victorias Secret Credit Card

>Hospital Bill

>Cleaning Lady that helps us out from time to time

>School (I will be attending fall semester to finish up my bachelors) $$$$$$$

So the only thing that is pending right now is my school payment. It adds up to like 700 dlls. Eeesh hole in my pocket.

anywho, im out of ideas.

peace.

Sleepless...

2008-07-11T03:48:00.003-05:00

I'm a total insomniac. My life is ruled by sleepness nights. Big part of it is my job. I really want to switch to the day shift, but apparently night is skinny and i'm too fat to fit in days. ha. I hate being backward. I feel as if i'm living my life backwards. Socializing, eating, pooping at night. Catching zzz's at day. I'm lonely. I miss my mommy. It's been only 2wks since her death and it feels as if it was yesterday. I'm still looking for a hobby to fill that void. I haven't gone to the beach in a while. Maybe I'll go swimming, or go lay on the sand. That would be great. I'm scheduled to be off for this weekend. I don't know if that will happen. I need to make up the days I was out. I don't know. There is always time to work. To make money. Never enough time to live life. To appreciate everything around us. I'm tired. This shift will end soon. Until then. Peace.

Update...

2008-07-11T01:48:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted here for a while....reason being my mother passed away last monday on June 30. It' s been the hardest 2 weeks for me. She went and she left our lives full of a void; an incessant void that can't be filled with anything. Regardless of how much I miss her, my mother had a hard life. Full of suffering and hospital stays. She had been suffering so much in the last past months, it was her time to go. (that's the nurse in me talking). I did everything in my power for her to be the most comfortable. I took her home and she spent the last of her days at home, with her loved ones. Her fight is over. The pain and agony is gone. My life is completely different now. All my life since I can remember, I dedicated my life to caring for my mother, and now I am glad I did. It has made my healing process a smoother one. My mother was the light of my eyes. She taught me so much and she helped me see the world through different eyes. I'd be nothing if I hadn't had her as my mother. Here is her obituary:

Sylvia Jaramillo Sauceda, 59, entered into eternal life on Monday, June 30, 2008 at her residence.
She was preceded in death by her father, Jose Regino Jaramillo.
She is survived by her daughter, Brenda Sauceda, son, Jorge Jaramillo, mother, Rosa Jaramillo, granddaughter, Alexia Jaramillo, brothers and sisters, Ricardo Jaramillo, Graciela Sandoval, Josefina Jaramillo, Jaime Jaramillo, Joel Jaramillo, and Jose Luis Jaramillo.
Funeral service will be held at 10 a.m., today, Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at Trevino Funeral Home with interment to follow at Buena Vista Burial Park.

I'm still trying to find ways to fill that void...I'm thinking I need a hobby or at least a kitty. I need ideas.

bites

2008-06-28T23:39:00.002-05:00

This is my weekend off and I am working today (sat) because they scheduled me. Ughhh, they always ruin my three day weekend. I can never freakin enjoy three days off in a row. sicknessssssss.

poop, literally.

2008-06-27T02:50:00.001-05:00

Nothing is worse than having 2 patients getting Kayexalate the same night, at the same time. Eeeeek. Kthxbye.

yours truly,
B.

Guitar Bliss

2008-06-26T01:53:00.002-05:00

My boyfriend bought me the new guitar hero for my nintendo DS! I'm super excited. I love it. It's a blast. After a hard night of work, some wiggling of the fingers is soothing. I love my pink nintendo DS! <333 I told him we should get TDR (Dance Revolution). That would totally be a workout, and it might be entertaining to see how much we can dance after a couple of drinks. Guitar Hero is also funnier and funnier and quite difficult as you ingest ETOH. HA HA HA. I'm also dying for the second season of Ugly Betty to release. I love the little gay brother. He is too funny. America Ferrera is totally hotttt right now. She's such a cute actress. I loved her in "Real Women Have Curves". Anywho, it's releasing in September. For my nights off, We've been playing Poker, Texas Hold'em. I'm beginning to understand the game alot better and I've become a better liar/bluffer. It's quite exhilirating. I can see why people are so into it. I've beaten my boyfriend a couple of times already. Anywho Toodles.

Peaceful End

2008-06-21T23:53:00.001-05:00

This is my second night at work this weekend. I lost sleep and its so frustrating. I went to bed at about 830 am this morning and I woke up around 130 pm. I couldn't fall asleep anymore. It totally bites. Now I'm here yawning like an insomniac. My mom seems weaker and sicker today. It's very hard to see her like that. It pains me. And then it makes me wonder if Hospice was indeed the best choice for her. She is suffering so much, and I don't want to see her go through that anymore. So maybe hospice was the best for her. I can see the suffering in her eyes. Hospice keeps her comfortable with pain medication, but her soul looks tired. At this point, this isn't about me anymore. It's about her. If death will stop her suffering, well so be it. Being a nurse, has made me realize that there is far more beyond death. Far more than just pain from the void the person leaves behind, but the relief of suffering from that individual. The last thing I want to remember is my mother's face in anguish/misery. Ive whispered it in her ear that if she feels she needs to go, for her not to worry about me. Sometimes ppl won't let go when they feel that people around them can't let go. I've seen that many times at the hospital where i work. I can't be selfish and just ignore my mother's pain. I know the ending to this story will not be happy, but I'm at least hoping for a peaceful one. Toodles...

Ughh

2008-06-21T03:54:00.000-05:00

It's 0354 am and I'm exhausted. Im at work at this time, and I wish I could be laying in bed, warm with no worries. Soon enough though. A warm muffin, with some orange juice would be great for breakfast, but I'm totally counting calories and that isn't included in my meal plan. I'm not trying to make myself sound all anorexic, but I do need to lose a couple lbs here and there. Working graveyard has added some extra mushrooms around my waist area which I repeat are NOT cute. Ughhh. (my bfriend says they are)! Graveyard doesn't make dieting easier either. But on a lighter and more positive note, I bought a new car today! FFFF-yeah. It's a black nissan altima. 4-cylinder. 2008. GGGGGreat on gas. I'm super excited. Hope all goes well with payments. Anywho, got to finish up my work. I'm out in 3 more hrs. Peace.love.muffins.